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Today, however, there is, or should be, no such peril, yet still
we apply the same standards to sex as then, and are shocked when
others treat it merely as a means to pleasure. The damage caused
by sex, however, though extensive, is not intrinsic. It is caused
by outdated expectations and strictures which have long ceased to
be appropriate.
Had I slept with any of these men on offer in the wine-bars or restaurants,
one of us would almost certainly have wanted far, far more of the
other than he or she was prepared to give. One of us would have wanted
to lumber unproductive coupling in response to bodily urges and passing
attraction with the enormous weight of expectation quite properly
attached to marriage and betrothal. Someone would always in consequence
be terribly hurt. I had no desire to hurt anyone any more. |
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All these jumbled thoughts are recorded in my diary of that period,
yet still, I swear, the solution had not occurred to me. I thought
that I would continue to form relationships which would prove inappropriate
and hurtful, to believe those who stated that they wanted no more
than sex – to say it myself - and to be disappointed in myself
or in others. And I did want more than sex. I wanted fun and adventure
and glamour and teasing. I wanted play. Yet play connected with sex
meant inevitable misunderstanding.
I had had quite enough of that.
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